You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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