I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
