shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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