Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
