I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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