so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
