Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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