he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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