I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
