No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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