I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize