Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
