I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
