I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
