Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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