I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just had sex on a roof
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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