New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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