not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
