Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
