Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
