You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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