I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
