you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
