So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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