wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
