When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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