You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
