I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
