My first STD was from a foam party
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
