i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
COCAINE IS GR8
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