babies were throwing up all over the place
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
