You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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