Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The ass gains better be worth it
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