She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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