C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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