I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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