I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
