i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
