I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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