Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
