Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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