Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I came so hard my ears popped.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
