This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
