Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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