Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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