apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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