she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
