I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
