we have pet lesbian snakes
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
