Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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