She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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