Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
