batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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