there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
When are your genitals available?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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