I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
